PAIN IN THE BUTT

PAIN IN THE BUTT

robert margetts

PAIN IN THE BUTT

Oooooh—

what is that pain?

Starts in my back,

shoots through my body

like a coupon‑day

stampede at the grocery chain.

I yelp,

I holler,

I put on a whole Broadway show—

“Stop! Stop!

You’ll break something…

and it might not be me,

you know!”

They think they’re clever,

they think they’re slick,

but next time they’ll check twice— ’

cause dear old Pop

smacked my book

and learned my paperback

hits back harder than his advice.

So back in my pocket

this trouble will stay,

waiting, plotting,

biding its time for another

gloriously naughty day.

KISS AUNT SUE



KISS AUNT SUE

The Sax Man and his Lady
acrylic paint on canvas by Robert Margetts

Now I know I’m just a kid

and with time I’ll grow and mature

but kissing aunt sue is like

stepping into cow manure.

Her lips are caked with lipstick

and drool drains down her chin

and her bad breath is listed under

the eleventh commandment as a deadly sin.

Lips as powerful as suction cups

and the strong scent of Old Spice as advertised on T.V.

I think I’m being kissed by Captain Bligh

from Mutiny On The Bounty.

I beg her to stop

but she will not desist

and when her razor stubble rubs me raw

that’s when I really start to resist..

Now it’s not the hair lip or the bad breath

that really gets my stomach churning

it’s when her denture Poly-Grip leaks

onto my face and starts burning.

I’ve tried every remedy known to man

from silver bullets, to garlic, to a skillet pan.

Treaties, extortion, promises and an exorcism

will not pacify the witch.

Next time she shoves her snout close to my face

I’ll grab the shovel and bury the bitch.