ARE WE THERE YET

ARE WE THERE YET?

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Stop the car

are we there yet?

My drawers are soggy

and awfully wet.

Pee is seeping down....

Speed up and turn down the heat!!

I feel wetness in the seat.

Pull off!!

Detour now!!!

Stop over there

I see a rest stop.

Come on, Come on

Hurry it up.

Oooops...TOO LATE.

THE CHOPPING BLOCK

THE CHOPPING BLOCK

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A blacksmith's anvil

an editors splicing playground.

The guillotine and the basket

befall the head of the cock.

To sever the spine

and spurt the blood

and drain the virus from the rock.

The callused palm of a wanton girl

stroked the manhood of her frail lover.

Inching towards orgasm

ever pulsating

never relenting.

Flesh against a tender organ

as friction teased the enlarged taste buds

under the mushroom hill.

A last stroke

a dying spurt.

And the gentle talons

latched onto the withering muscle

as one life came to an end.

THE FISH AND THE HOOK

THE FISH AND THE HOOK

On a sodden stream bank

a pack lunch with gramps and me.

To teach me the art of fly casting

by an octogenarian, a dying symbol of fertility.

Casting

The bamboo rod

A Peninsula in the mist.

The line

titillating the ripples

as it skipped the waters edge,

taunting virgin gills

to a throat tearing breakfast.

An eager mouth

lurching into the morning air

swallowing the hot shrapnel  

Pain....sheer panic.

Pain....sickening pain.

The burning hook ripping the slippery esophagus

until finally digging deep into the gills.

Blood and segments of flesh

fill his mouth.

The pain...sheer pain.

Must stop the pain.

But how?

DRAGON WITH A GREEN THUMB

DRAGON WITH A GREEN THUMB

Pot the Spruce

trim the Pines

Crush...stomp....Down to nine.

Edge the grass

water the dates

Wham..crash...Alas just eight.

Fan the willows

and clip the tulips

Whoosh...thrash.  7 down to six.

Hoe the maples

and de-flea the dogwoods

Bounce...bump.  Five to four.

Soon to be no more..

Pick the carnations

and fluff the roses

Squash...splat.  Down to one.

The dragon may have the green thumb

but all the girls giggle at his black and blue bum!!

CHRISTMAS FOR JIMMY

CHRISTMAS FOR JIMMY

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The house looked ever so dandy

with a tall Spruce covered in candy

Bulbs and lights blazed in the sky

directing Santa and his deer where to fly.

To my house, this is the one

the others can wait, come, come, come!!!

Alas the gifts tumbled down the chimney

Santa signed each with, "To Jimmy."

My father and mother just watched in delight

at me in his zany youthful flight.

I yanked and pulled, clipped and tore

starting with the largest until alas no more.

It's too bad Christmas comes but once a year.

It's a time of presents, love and genuine cheer.

BILLY THE BULLY

BILLY THE BULLY

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Billy the bully lived on my street

and when in need of money

he would hang me upside down from my feet.

He took my money and beat me until I was blue

and he would laugh and snort

and glue my hands to my ears with monkey glue.

I would tell my mother, but what could she do?

She would call Billy the bully on the phone

and threaten to sue.

This lasted till I reached the age of ten

when Patsy the pusher moved onto our block

and put Billy the bully's reign of terror to an end.

At the innocent age of ten and weighing close to 120 stone

6 foot 3 and mean as a bobcat

she proceeded to break Billy's foot bone.

And I being quick to take advantage of my luck

befriended her

married her

and to this day we are stuck.

GROUNDED FOR LIFE

GROUNDED FOR LIFE

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I've never seen mom so mad as yet

the day I flushed the dead hamster down the toilet.

Her face contorted from a beloved mother into a rat

and I feared retaliation from old sparky, the baseball bat.

"Get me the plunger," she did demand

and quick as the roadrunner it was in her hand.

"The other end if you don't mind"

"This is to unplug from behind!"

And a plunging and a pushing she set to work

a clank, bash, dink, and a quirk.

All the plunging lodged Lucky further into the drain.

"Get me a bulldozer, a plumber, or a crane!"

"We have none of the above," I said.

"Another peep out of you and I'll use your head!"

And grabbing the pliers she started to turn

The pipe gurgled, burped, and churned.

Water burst from every leak

Mother got soaked from head to feet.

A giggle itched deep in my belly

rolling, turning, bumbling like green jelly.

Mad as a bee mom grabbed for a knife.

"Keep laughing and you'll be grounded for life!"

She thrust the cleaver into the bowl

for one valiant attempt to dislodge Lucky from the hole.

"I give up," screamed mother!!!

"Where's the yellow pages, I need a plumber!"

TO GRAMPS

TO GRAMPS

two forks in the road

To my oldest and best friend

a friend in need is there till the end.

I'll stand by your side and hold your hand

buy you flowers and dream of you in a distant land.

And when I get old and gray

by your grave I will pass away.

When I wake and get judged by The Man

I hope you will stand tall for me and touch my hand.

For a true friend is there in the beginning

in the middle

and in the end.

PAIN IN THE BUTT

PAIN IN THE BUTT

the face in the mirror

Oooooh what is that pain?

It starts in my back

and spreads throughout my little frame.

I yell, plead and start to cry.

Stop, stop, before I die!!!!

They may be smarter, but next time they will look

Dear old pop hurt his hand spanking my book.

In my pants it will stay

It should come in handy for another naughty day!!

A KID WITH THE FLU

A KID WITH THE FLU

the blue man

Flue time

not feeling too good

Mite need a doctor

for a needle shot

Maybe some pepacillin.

Don't like it much

But what can I do

I'm just a 5 year old with the flew.

(written through the eyes of a 5 year old boy)